I was disappointed to see today that Our Tony will not be pursuing the student debts of deceased estates. I thought Mr Hockey and Mr Pyne’s comments were right on the money – a student loan is just like any other loan, and one does not stop owing simply because one has stopped breathing.
When I was a young pup I was expected to pay off my old pappy’s debts after he was put to death (a story for another time). As well as fixing up the remaining tuition fees with the Brewarrina School of Anti Semitism, I also took care of the outstanding amounts he owed to his personal biographer, and the child care costs for his three illegitimate children in the Cook Islands. Did I complain about this? No I certainly did not, because I know that education is a privilege and not a right. I simply put in an extra three shifts a week at the abattoir, and within thirty years I had paid it off. It was, and still is, No Big Deal.
My greatest concern is that we will now see a wave of fake deaths in the student community, with the long-haired socialists creating elaborate ruses so they can shirk their debts to society. With this in mind, I propose that any individual with outstanding tertiary fees whom dies before the age of forty should have their corpse displayed in public for a period of no less than three weeks, to ensure their mortal status. If it is discovered that they are not actually dead but just faking it, or that the corpse is that of an impostor, their most immediate member of kin should also be executed. Tough, yes, but also fair.
All monies owing can be extracted after the three week public exhibition period; at which point gold fillings, metal plates etc can be removed and any physical belongings will be auctioned off at official government fire sales.
Furthermore, the public display of the corpses, which I envisage being placed as strategic points around universities and similar institutions, will serve as a warning to any other skylarkers or freeloaders that might be contemplating similar schemes.
For as is written on old Pappy’s tombstone: A Debt in Life is A Debt in Death.