THE PIPE BOMB
Today, my gentle readers, I stand in awe of a great man: Liberal Senator Dr Bill Heffernan.
In case you hadn’t already heard, Senator Heffernan – or ‘the Hef’ as I have always called him – has smuggled a fake pipe bomb into an Estimates hearing, to showcase the lack of security at our Parliament House.
This is a master stroke that I believe rates up alongside my introduction of the cane-toad to northern Australia to demonstrate the gaps in our bio-security laws (don’t believe the ‘locust-eradication’ propaganda that the mainstream media pedals nowadays).
I myself am a regular visitor to Parliament: I believe that Question Time attendance should be mandatory for all voting citizens, and I exercise my right to do so on any available occasion (plus I also like catching up with my dear old friend Bronwyn).
It seems that on almost every visit to the Grand Halls I witness breaches of security that would have Philip Ruddock turning over in his grave. Just last week, during one of my QT sittings, I was suddenly called upon by nature to, as my dear old Grandma so euphemistically said, “spend a penny.” Taking a wrong turn (easy to do in those Labyrinthine corridors) I unwittingly found myself in the Prime Minister’s personal office. Mistaking his treasured Manly fern tree for a urinary receptacle, I unfurled my jocks and began my business – only to have Our Tony burst through the door with his entourage!Thankfully Tony and his man-friend (identified as “Peta”) allowed me to finish my business, before inviting me to stick around for some shortbread and Tea.
It was a most illuminating and enlivening conversation, with Tony and Peta undertaking to follow up on the majority of my proposals regarding re-implementation of the White Australia policy, but afterwards I was struck by the realisation: what if it hadn’t been a trustworthy fellow like me who had wandered into the Prime Ministerial suite? What if it had instead been some raging ex-KGB agent, a steroid riddled Tiger Shark, or one of the bearded jihad ladies of Afghanistan? I shudder to think of the consequences!
This is why I believe the Hef’s pipe bomb ploy was so important – just like I demonstrated with the Cane Toads and our bio-security laws, Hef has shown us how severely lacking our Parliamentary security protocols are.
And in fact, this is a systemic problem for our nation. I implore all Australians to locate and highlight similar holes wherever they may be present: smuggle a fart bomb into the opera house; secrete firecrackers onto a Qantas Flight, or even just mail a good old-fashioned envelope of white powder to your elected representative.
If we all follow the Hef’s example, Australia will be a safer place.