by gragbalbrady

Today, my gentle readers, I stand in awe of a great man: Liberal Senator Dr Bill Heffernan.

In case you hadn’t already heard, Senator Heffernan – or ‘the Hef’ as I have always called him – has smuggled a fake pipe bomb into an Estimates hearing, to showcase the lack of security at our Parliament House.

The Hef told me he found the fake pipe bomb in his wife's top drawer.

The Hef told me he found the fake pipe bomb in his wife’s top drawer.

This is a master stroke that I believe rates up alongside my introduction of the cane-toad to northern Australia to demonstrate the gaps in our bio-security laws (don’t believe the ‘locust-eradication’ propaganda that the mainstream media pedals nowadays).

I myself am a regular visitor to Parliament: I believe that Question Time attendance should be mandatory for all voting citizens, and I exercise my right to do so on any available occasion (plus I also like catching up with my dear old friend Bronwyn).

It seems that on almost every visit to the Grand Halls I witness breaches of security that would have Philip Ruddock turning over in his grave. Just last week, during one of my QT sittings, I was suddenly called upon by nature to, as my dear old Grandma so euphemistically said, “spend a penny.” Taking a wrong turn (easy to do in those Labyrinthine corridors) I unwittingly found myself in the Prime Minister’s personal office. Mistaking his treasured Manly fern tree for a urinary receptacle, I unfurled my jocks and began my business – only to have Our Tony burst through the door with his entourage!Thankfully Tony and his man-friend (identified as “Peta”) allowed me to finish my business, before inviting me to stick around for some shortbread and Tea.

I'm not sure I approve of the long hair, but otherwise: two top blokes!

I’m not sure I approve of the long hair, but otherwise: two top blokes!

It was a most illuminating and enlivening conversation, with Tony and Peta undertaking to follow up on the majority of my proposals regarding re-implementation of the White Australia policy, but afterwards I was struck by the realisation: what if it hadn’t been a trustworthy fellow like me who had wandered into the Prime Ministerial suite? What if it had instead been some raging ex-KGB agent, a steroid riddled Tiger Shark, or one of the bearded jihad ladies of Afghanistan? I shudder to think of the consequences!

This is why I believe the Hef’s pipe bomb ploy was so important – just like I demonstrated with the Cane Toads and our bio-security laws,  Hef has shown us how severely lacking our Parliamentary security protocols are.

And in fact, this is a systemic problem for our nation. I implore all Australians to locate and highlight similar holes wherever they may be present: smuggle a fart bomb into the opera house; secrete firecrackers onto a Qantas Flight, or even just mail a good old-fashioned envelope of white powder to your elected representative.

If we all follow the Hef’s example, Australia will be a safer place.